29 March 2017

Last Man Standing in the Army & Navy



For a month now I have had a shrink wrapped copy of Jerry Lee Lewis' "Last Man Standing" DVD waiting to be entertain me one rainy night. Tonight I looked at it and decided, "Tonight's the night."

If Chuck Berry had not died it might still be in its shrink wrap unplayed. I bought it to watch on the day Jerry Lee Lewis goes straight to Hell. Now I guess I will listen to his old records like I do every other time a musician I really like croaks.

Bought the DVD at the Army & Navy department store in Fort Royal. A previewed bargoon. $2.99 plus tax. Jerry Lee is in form on the night it was recorded in 2007. He does not move around his stool much - all his energy is saved for playing the piano and singing along.

He is joined by a crack band and several guests. Some of the best rock 'n' roll you will ever hear. Get yourself down to the Army & Navy and see if you can get yourself a copy. If they are all out buy yourself a fucking fishing rod or something. Tell them Beer sent you, motherfuckers.

27 March 2017

Saturday Night in the Fraser Valley - Cherrydale Roller Derby and DOA



There has been plenty to do already as British Columbia's general election is only about six weeks away. Few campaigns are as ready as they would like to be, there is always one more thing a campaign manager or central campaign organizer wishes was done when the lights get turned off at the end of the day. Yesterday was Saturday however. Everybody was let loose early to blow off some steam however the fuck they liked.

I chose to catch some roller derby out in Cherrydale. Their super junior, junior and senior squads all had bouts. I made it in time to see the senior women's squad, the Wooly Bullies, go toe to toe with the Dope City Flying Squad.

There was no beer garden so it was a good thing I had my flask with me. Two hours without a drink will just about hospitalize me these days.

There was all sorts of items up for grabs on a silent auction table. Appears as though it is difficult as saying no to the Hells Angels as it is to say no to Cherrydale roller girls if they want something. Got out-bid on all that shit and did not win the 50/50 or the raffle either. At least Sonja and I get to keep the t-shirts I bought.

The derby itself was as sexy and violent as you will find anywhere on a planet hurtling toward atomic boom doom faster than ever. Sometimes there is a star player who twinkles a little more than the rest of her bruised comrades worth noting but it would be unfair to do so this time around: every last player was in top condition and ready to rumble.

I did, however, get to see what gives me more joy than anything at a roller derby bout. The ear to ear grin of a jammer who has broke through the pack for her team - free skating her way to points on the board for her team and applause for her elusiveness on the polished concrete. When that happens everybody in the audience can see the value of roller derby in a young woman's life. Roller girl jammers smile because they have broke free - there is no greater feeling than that: when you are free you can do any fucking thing you want - something our society still tries and keep out of the grasp of women far too much.

Derby finished, I got in the car and drove back to Steepleton where DOA were playing the sleaziest dive bar in town. It was a good thing I stopped at the liquor store for some Bushmills to refill my flask because the bar's liquor license had been revoked for serving under aged Christians.

I stood by the bar anyway and enjoyed first Maple Ditch's ska-tastic Boneheads and then DOA who did all they ever have to do for me when I see them: play "2+2" one of the greatest rock 'n' roll songs ever written.

As I stood there by the bar I noticed it stank worse than any bar I have ever been in all my life and I have been in a lot of bars that smell bad as camping ass. The police should tear down the walls of the joint to find out how many bodies are rotting behind the drywall.

Being an all ages show there were lots of kids there. Some of them did not even look old enough to be babysitters. Sometimes it seems like nobody but old motherfuckers like me still listen to hard core rock 'n' roll. Good of the young ones to prove me wrong.

The kids are alright.

 

19 March 2017

Long Live Chuck Berry



Woke up. None too early. Sake, huge mistake like always. Japanese beer. If there was an antidote for drinking too much an ambulance would have been called and I would have needed more than one dose.

Made coffee. Made a lot of noise in the kitchen causing Sonja to ask, "What the fuck are you doing?" from between the covers.

I was putting on steel cut oats and starting the bread machine making some Del Mar Sunshine bread.

Before I had done any of that I put Chuck Berry's "The Great Twenty-Eight" on the record player because I heard he had died about the same time the second pot of sake got put in the middle of our tatami table.

Chuck Berry was there for me when I started rocking. Over 40 years ago and I am not stopping counting any time soon, motherfuckers.

Berry was one of the Kings. There are still a couple left. Then that'll be it.

Thanks for the music. Thanks for the good times. Thanks for you and your guitar making America what it used to be: Free.

Long live the Spirit of St. Louis. Long live Chuck Berry. Long live rock 'n' roll.


17 March 2017

St. Patrick's Day Poem For A Brand New Age



Was
A
Time
Americans

Would
Not
Elect
A

Fucking

German
Their
Motherfucking
President.

14 March 2017

Fish 'n' Chips



Like most Canadians Sonja and I like our fish 'n' chips. When we moved to  Steepleton our first meal out was for fish 'n' chips. We would still be eating their grease and drinking their beer if the joint had not gone up in fucking flames. We are loyal that way.

We found a new place soon enough. Ate their fish 'n' chips for maybe twenty years. Went there last Friday but the place was so packed and their take out line so long I decided, "Fuck it," and went somewhere else.

Other place was just about as busy. Had to drink three beer while I waited for my take out. I noticed people in this place, which is cheaper than the place we had been spending our money in for years, were of an income group a notch below the income group I usually hang out with. A mix of the retired and people who looked like they could use a union in their workplace.

"This shit is better than the other shit we have been eating," Sonja said between mouthfuls.

"Cheaper too," I added as I finished off another beer.

"Fuck the other place then," Sonja concluded.

"Fuck them up the bum," I agreed.

Thus ended our long customer relationship with Cunt Lover's Fish 'N' Chips.

13 March 2017

Niki Ashton - The Next Leader of Canada's NDP



For me it is still Niki Ashton. She's the one and she is so on every level.


7 March 2017

Shittergate



Had a crew meeting with the fucking boss in the lunch room today. I took notes so you would not miss anything.

Firstly, as in all such meetings, there was a lot of talk about doom.

Secondly, another management favourite topic, gloom.

Thirdly, there was some talk about making the fucking sawmill great again.

All us workers thought the meeting was over once that went over our head but there was one more thing on the boss' mind.

"We have been having trouble with the toilets getting all bunged up this winter. Been happening so much someone must be bunging them up on purpose. We hope we are going to get to the bottom of it before the fucking plumber's fees forces us to close down this mill like the one in Merritt."

We were barely out the lunchroom door before somebody dubbed our overflowing toilet situation Shittergate.

4 March 2017

Death To the Trumpoids



Since no one else has done so - that I am aware of - I would like to suggest we begin calling Donald Trump supporters Trumpoids. Then we could sing a Brian Goble song about them and have a good scuff at their expense.

Death must come to the Trumpoids at last
Peace will become a thing of the past
The Trumpoids have the armies and the guns in their grasp
They're going to destroy us with their threats and their lies
We must kill them
They bug me

They're trying to frame the Red Brigades
Tell us all we're threatened by the terrorist plague
They're hanging a noose around our necks
By gluing our minds to the front page
Kill them
You got no choice

Death to the Trumpoids, or death to you
They got the money, they think they got the power
To step on your face, make you lick their boots

Rise against them

They're trying to frame the Red Brigades
By telling us we're threatened by the terrorist plague
They're hanging a noose around our necks
By gluing our minds to the front page
Kill them 
Rise against them

Not much has changed, it would seem, in the past four decades. The President has a new bogeyman and the front page has been replaced by Facebook. The Fascist Parade remains the same.





















1 March 2017

TRUMP Tower Review



On the weekend I drove by the Dope City building with the big ass TRUMP sign out front. Made me think about the people who have looked at national socialism and compiled a list of its shortcomings: the reasons why national socialism's final solution was not as successful as it was in Newfoundland. (Newfoundland's last living Beothuk died in 1829.) One of national socialism's apparent shortcomings was a lack of real estate investment.

Building is nice enough. Appealing to the eye as crack cocaine and sporting as much soul as a fentanyl exporter.

27 February 2017

I Spoke Too Soon



I spoke too soon:

Two
Turks
Did
Not

Read
The
Stay
The

Fuck
Out
Of
Surrey memo.